COVID-19 Safety Measures
While I’m just as exhausted talking about the plague as you are hearing about it, I know many people will want to know what we are doing to keep people safe at our event. Bottom line, if you DON’T feel safe, or if you are going to “police” the event and how people are behaving, don’t come. There are no safety guarantees in life, and we certainly cannot stop nor prevent the virus from spreading. We will take precautions (below) but expect all of you to be grown, mature adults and know ALL the risks of stepping outside your home, interacting with people, traveling and making toast while taking a bath.
All of the hotels have assured us they will be able to allow us to host the event while following safe social distancing mandates. Seating will be spread out in the room so you can sit all by your lonesome self just like you do at home or at the bar on weekends. We will ask all of you to work with us to ensure you don’t breathe on the person next to you (which is weird anyway) and cause them to erupt in a fury of indignation over killing them.
Interacting With Others:
Unless you want to be a social pariah, don’t shake hands. Elbow bumps or gangster signs are now the appropriate way to greet another person at our events. Bowing is also acceptable, especially when addressing The Marketing Messiah. We would also like to ask that you refrain from licking the doorknobs, farting in the elevators and picking your nose or someone else’s nose. And for goodness’ sake, please say your prayers and wash your hands because Jesus and germs are everywhere.
On The Issue Of Wearing Of Masks:
Unless required by law in the city where the event is being held, we will not require you or other attendees to wear a mask. If you feel safer wearing a mask, please do so. We won’t judge you, so please don’t judge those who choose to go au naturel. That said, pants are required. If you do wear a mask, you get bonus points if it’s a Hannibal Lecter mask, or a brown bag with the eyeholes cut out.
Food And Beverage:
Food will either be served via individual boxed lunches or by the staff (in other words, no buffet lines). Each hotel will have its own safety rules – but don’t worry, you won’t die of starvation, even though some of you could stand to lose a few pounds. We are considering selling logo’d feed bags that serve the dual purpose of covering your face while allowing you to eat hands-free. Stand by for details.
What’s the most significant difference between an oral and rectal thermometer? The taste. Since we got it mixed up at the last event, we won’t be conducting temperature checks at the door.
We Cannot Guarantee You Won’t Be Exposed:
If you come to this event, you should act as if you were exposed to the virus and modify your behavior accordingly. As stated above, if you are worried about being exposed or transmission to other people then DO NOT COME.
We are not conducting virus alerts, nor are we conducting contact tracing and reporting if someone tests positive. We will do our best to follow social distancing guidelines and other safety precautions – HOWEVER, if you go out among people (Uber and Lyft drivers, planes, airports, the hotel, the event, restaurants, etc.) you SHOULD ASSUME you will be exposed somewhere. We cannot guarantee your safety at this event.